SIBLING RIVALRY?

I am an only child and my husband and I have one daughter, three-years-old. We are considering having more children, but as much as I intellectually believe it's a great idea, I am frankly horrified at the prospect of having sibling rivalry in my home. I can barely tolerate my parents arguing over where to have dinner, much less having the kind of hitting and biting and dirty tricks I've witnessed my childhood friends and their siblings experience. My husband tells me that my fears are greatly exaggerated, but he would - he is the oldest of three boys! I can't possibly be the first only child bewildered by the prospect of how to manage relationships between her or her "non-only" children. What resources can you suggest?

Comments

[Pocahontus]

I am an only child. My parents where very good to me loving ,careing , got lots of presents at christmas the hole bit. Even my own play room ,besides my bedrm.I sounds great doesn't it ,my mother was always trying to find things for me to do and she did. But I always felt alone ,evven with all that love . When your an only child it's a secret you learn not to tell people , they think your spoiled , a brat ,they look at you differently .You never fit in , like you start out always behind and haveing to prove yourself. As we get older in life it effects us much more . Think about it , when you have brother& sisters you learn how to be strong , howto interact with people naturaly..like the air you breath . Interacting with sibling teaches us how to deal with people at a young age and that's so inportant. When I went to kindergarden everyone else had already learned that but me , your always the underdog trying to fit in ,and not as confadent ,it's hard . Everyone talking about there bro.& sis doing this and that and you just stand there . You haven't grown up with anyone ,you sit under the christmas tree alone with all your presents as your parents stare at you and you have to try and be happy . You already have everything ,who cares!. I would have much rather had brothers ans sisters around around me to injoy it with . As you get older you have no siblings to grow old with no nieces and nefues NO family .It's odd really and it bothers you more as you get older .Your not doing your child a favore by haveing only one ,..it's a silant lonely feeling only a only child would know ....Plus your hole life you learn hide the fact your an only child because you automaticly don't fit in and your teased. ...

[Martha Garcia]

I whole-heartedly DISAGREE with the previous poster. For whatever reason, you grew up lonely and I'm sorry for that. You say your parents were kind and loving and cared for you, but were you given lots of opportunities to socially interact with others? Did you live in an area without many kids where you didn't have opportunities to make friends and have fun with others your own age?

You could have easily have grown up feeling the way you do now with ten siblings. It makes me crazy that people will never seem to learn: siblings are NOT a guarantee of ANYTHING. You can not guarantee they will be a playmate, a friend, a confident, or that you will even like them much less love them.

I know. I have a sibling, and I want nothing to do with him. We have nothing in common, and are complete opposites. Always have been, always will be. I wish every day that I was an only child because I see my life getting more and more difficult with him in it as our parents age. One day, when our parents are gone, or worse, ill and needing our care, it's going to get ugly. We handle things differently and don't agree on much. Only children who end up caring for their aging parents may not have a sibling to help out, but how many people do YOU know who have many siblings, and they're all arguing and having falling outs over their family issues? There are pros and cons to everything, but most people don't want to acknowledged it.

My daughter is an only by choice, because I grew up the opposite of you. Siblings can be great for some, but for me having a sibling was nothing but trouble. IMO, siblings are worthless and unnecessary. My daughter is happy, social, and not only loves being an only child but is PROUD of it. How sad that you felt you had a "dirty little secret" that you were ashamed of. I would never encourage my daughter to keep something like that a secret - we see it as something to brag about, and so does she.

As for how you feel now, everyone has lonely times, siblings or not. And family is whatever you make it, not necessarily a blood relative. We are making sure that our daughter has the confidence to form her own bonds and relationships with people that she will have her entire life. She doesn't need a sibling to have a family.

I'm sorry, but your opinion is clearly very skewed, somewhat tragic, but definitely not the norm. I know many, many adult onlies, and ALL are the most happy, well-adjusted, social, kind, generous, loving, NON-lonely people I know. Maybe you need to adjust your attitude to see all the good around you, instead of feeling sorry for what you don't have.

Just my .02.

[sara]

I have to disagree with the first poster too. I'm a 28 year old only and I don't mind not having a sibling. I'm also posting becuase I thinking I don't want to have another, and among the reasons not having to deal with sibling rivaliry is a big one. Also, I couldn't give another the attention and love I gave the first in the same way (curling up for long naps, breastfeeding whenever and how long the baby wants etc.) and that was the part I really enjoyed!

[Tobi]

I, too, am an only child, and have come to love being an only. I did, at times, feel somewhat lonely, but had friends and family that I was close to that more than made up for not having siblings.
That said, I am now the 40 year old mother of 2, and love having siblings under my roof. I overcome the "rivalry" the same way I overcome any other thing in my life that I see as negative--I confront it head on. I am very open and honest with my children, encourage them to be good to one another, and above all, see things from the others' point of view. I think it is all in how you communicate with your children.
That may seem overly simple, but you can't be afraid to stand up for something you believe in, and I believe that families should treat each other with love and respect, and if you have something to say to them, you say it (in a loving way, of course).
It did, however take me 7 years to decide to have the 2nd child in my family, but I attribute more of that to my husband's lack of maturity, and not my not wanting another child. So, some would say I have 2 only children.

[Cris]

I have two teenagers,who have a much younger brother, a ten to eleven year difference between them. My husband and I have kicked ourselves for not having another sibling closer in age to our youngest because we lived the difference between our older children having a ready companion and our 5 year olds solitary experience. If you can have more than one child-its a gift of a richer childhood. Sibling squabbling/rivalry diminishes as they pursue their own interests/friends in elementary school.

[onlychild]

I love being an only child but I can certainly appreciate, at least theoretically, the value of having full-time playmates/confidants. My parents sincerely considered the prospect of adopting a little girl back when I was in elementary school but, due largely to the exorbitant cost and wait involved, ultimately decided against it. I felt good about it then and I feel great about it now.

By the way, have you guys checked out www.theonlychildreview.com yet? As a male only child in my late twenties, I find the site quite interesting and, at times, even insightful. It's a pretty new site but it shows promise. The site's host - an only child - posts videos daily in which he discusses whatever strikes his fancy, basically. For instance, today's clip is the initial portion (the rest will be posted as the week unfolds) of a discussion with his mom about motherhood. Last week's discussion was with his wife - a sibling, herself - on the topic of marriage. And they're all filmed outdoors - it's kind of neat. At any rate, the site's definitely worth looking into if only to see someone so openly embrace his only child-ness.

[Kate]

The other day I came across a time article discussing how siblings were “life partners.” Well as a teenage “l”only child, I found this a bit depressing. I know very few people who are only children, and I have no friends that are, so talking about the bad parts of being an only child falls on deaf ears. “You’re so lucky,” they say, “You don’t have to share anything.” Yes, but I also never learned to share, which is a problem when your in elementary school. “You don’t have to deal with any annoying siblings,” They’ll tell me. Yes, but it gets rather lonely when you’re on vacation with your family and mom and dad don’t want to play. “You get everything you want,” they say, “your parents only buy things for you.” Yes, but I’d much rather fight a thousand fights with a sibling than have all the toys I could want. The point is, I’ve learned to deal with being alone and I’ve gotten quite good at it. I can spend hours by myself reading, or working, or thinking. But I would rather spend hours laughing, talking and/or screaming at a bunch of kids who live with me. This is the problem with being an only child. Either you learn to make friends very quickly, gain popularity and have fun. Or you learn to be alone, you learn to adjust when peers let you down, and you learn to fight for yourself, because you won’t have siblings to help you. You learn to think through your problems, and you learn to confide in yourself, because in effect you are your sibling. You are your playmate; you are your “life partner.” Through being an only child you gain confidence in thinking, talking to adults and being independent. But while you gain a stunning self-confidence in some areas you also sometimes receive crippling low-self esteem when it comes to making friends, interacting with peers, and being “normal.” When a parent or adult looks at me, they see a charming, polite and intelligent person. That’s because when I am with adults I think like one, I am in effect, playing a part. And this part is easy, I know my lines, I know my stage directions. When I am with my peers, it’s like my role has been switched, I have to act differently. My lines have changed; I don’t know where I’m supposed to stand on stage; I don’t know what to do with the tone of my voice. This is why I tend to take a leadership role when with my peers. I see myself as someone fully grown already, and while I am intelligent enough to understand that I won’t be fully adult till I’m thirty, I still see myself as a separate entity from my peers. I do form close relationships with some, although I don’t tend to have more than three great friends at a time. The majority of people are acquaintances or classmates, people with whom I interact with at school and work on projects with, but people who I find it awkward to call up on a weekend and ask them to do something. Large groups intimidate me, unless I’m directing the play, then I find it easy to talk and make jokes. Relationships with my peers have developed as I have grown. As those around me become more independent and “adult like” I find myself fitting in more than when I was in elementary and middle school. Most likely, and this is a personal hypothesis, when I am an adult I’ll be very sociable and find it easy to approach my peers. I’ve been playing an adult for a long time, when I finally am one it shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment for me. There is one goal now. I have decided that I will have children, not a child. I’ve struggled with being an only child, and while I wouldn’t call myself permanently scarred or hurt, I would say that if I could change one thing about my life it would be to have a sibling. I want my kids to have siblings; I want them to fight with each other, share with each other and love each other. What makes me sad now is that my children won’t have aunts or uncles from my side. They won’t have cousins who visit during the summer, and I won’t have family after my parents die. This is a frightening thought for someone who has depended on them as one would depend on siblings. They are my family, my only close family. So don’t make more only children. Because although we are physically self sufficient, and independent, we are also very sensitive and in need of “life partners.”

[GreenHearted]

Just wanted to share this.... When my husband and his first wife were pregnant with their second child, all their friends talked about sibling rivalry and how inevitable it was. Peter and his wife decided it wouldn't enter into their family. They told their first son (four years old at the time) that this was *his* new baby brother, and he was very involved in his little brother's life from the beginning. Now, at 28 and 32, they are still good friends and the best of bros. Sibling rivalry is not inevitable.

[Lesley]

I think being an only child deprives a person from some fundamental experiences in life - some good, some bad. Not having siblings is, in many ways, and historically, 'unnatural'. It's hard to imagine having other people in your house that you grow up with, and have a solidarity to and with your family. You will never have your 'own' nieces and nephews, don't know what it's like to creep downstairs on Christmas morning with a brother or sister....I can state all this from my own experience as I have an only child. She is a lovely, articulate, mature, intelligent young lady of 19. I feel the way I do about this issue because she's told me these things over the years. I honour her feelings, even though they are very painful for me. I do feel tremendous guilt because I could have had another child. I had a difficult pregnancy, but I could have had another. One may say that you can't miss what you never had, but one can look around and see what others have. We were in the doubly negative situation where our daughter grew up without any family close by. I tried to 'do' all the holidays, but Christmas dinner can seem a little flat with only 3! If I had to do it again, I would definitely have another child.

[Lesley]

Sibling rivalry is not inevitable and we know so much more about it today. There are ways to deflect a great deal of it. Gone are the days of treating every child the same, and having conformity and obedience as the cornerstone of good parenting. I feel that children who are loved and valued for their own uniqueness, who are encouraged to see the positive in each family member, who are taught love and empathy, and who are given lots of attention as individuals will do great. My best friend has 3 kids and works full time. All her children like and respect and love each other. As parents we have a tremendous amount of control over the atmosphere of our households and the values we promote.

[Atracne]

I am currently raising an only child and I struggled with all the baggage as well ...UNTIL...one day when I was watching CNN. They reported on a lady who had an only son and she felt that she needed to have more children. Well, she went ahead and did exactly that and ended up giving birth to 3 deaf, dumb, and blind daughters. Her son stated that he would do anything to have a little peace because he is now responsible for caring for his sisters and he felt that his life was taken from him. The moral of this story...be happy with whatever God has blessed you with and stop asking for more. No one's situation is perfect. We are all here to suffer and suffer we shall. If you criticize life because you had sibllings then think about those girls. If you criticize life for being an only, then think about those girls. If you criticize life because your parents couldn't give you everything you wanted, then think about those girls. If you criticize yourself for not being perfect, then think about those girls.

[Catherine]

Interesting article....all posts from your blog are very interesting

[Jackie]

Preach it! those who are an only child or who have one child and are thankful and happy. All those who are an only child need to read your article and not the articles of those who are so negative and cruel. It seems people who have big families always want to brag about it all and think it's such a boastful thing. I get so sick of it.
You should learn to be happy within yourself and with God and then it wouldn't matter if you had no family or a large family. You can't depend on other people to make you happy. one day it could all be gone and then what do you do. I had a sister who always was running away from home and it drove my parents crazy always looking for her constantly for years. That's all I remember growing up, is where is she now what drug is she on now, etc... I ran from my family to friends houses just to get away. I felt like it was all about her. I would have loved to be the only child.
Now I have one child who is very happy and productive in society. My child was raised to care about people not things. My child has always been happy and content. I love the stories above about the positive aspects of not having brothers or sisters! You guys keep telling it in the positive way so that those who are only children will not feel empty or lonely like the others who have larger families try to make you feel. Not everyone even has parents. And then on the other hand, Lots of kids these days are being raised by one parent and no other family. They can't help that, so they need to be encouraged, not discouraged. Tell them they are worth something no matter how many are growing up together in their family.

[Jessica]

It doesn't seem like many people have answered your question, so I'll try. I have heard great things about the books Siblings Without Rivalry and The Siblings' Busy Book. I plan to buy these if I ever have a second child. Right now, I'm an only, married to an eldest, with an only child. I'm pretty sure we're going to stay with one, but good for you for thinking about having a second! I know EXACTLY the fears you are facing. I am scared to death of sibling fighting as well. It isn't the only reason I have an only, but it certainly crosses my mind. I hope maybe one of those books could be helpful to you!

[Lp]

I'm a 23 year old only. I always told people "You can't have the best of both worlds." Either you're an only child, or you have siblings. (Sometimes a child may grow up without siblings, and then the parents adopt or have another baby. The only, would then experience both.)

The oldest child can not live life as the youngest child. A twin usually grows up with a sibling, unless of course the other twin dies. How would most only's know what it was like to be a siblibg and vice veras?

Stereotypes about only children persist just lik stereotypes about Mexicans, Africans, and Democrats. Most people who take the time to get to know only children, end up liking us. However, for someone to speak from the perspective of an only when they're not one does a disservice.

[Carrie]

wow, reading all the above comments has left me with a lot of mixed emotions. I am a 38 year old only child with a 4 year old only. Growing up I swore I would sooner have no children than have an only. But my only expierence was very different from my child's..My mother was ill and my Dad working all the time, I spent a lot of time feeling isolated and alone. However, my daughter now is very outgoing and has a busier social calendar than I ever did. After having horrible post partum and recently going back to school to start a new career, my husband and I are leaning toward keeping her an only. More time for eachother, more opportunities for her....Yet the only child in me sometimes wonders if we are doing the right thing..never having had a brother or sister I can only fantasize what it would be like for her, and so I remain torn. I dread the question "so, are you going to have another?" and I always smile and reply, "we'll see, I don't know'. and I Really don't!

[Angie Lei]

Hmmm....... I have always been very observant as the youngest child. I've watched the multiples come for family members and consistently observe the favoritism outright displayed for everyone to see. Here's the underdogs of the families Observed.There's the oldest child who is not a high enough achiever and who "disappoints" their parents. There's the middle child who is too obnoxious and not as attractive as their siblings. Seriously, it's been said, out loud,horrible, I know. There's the "problem" child with the learning disability. There's the trouble maker who causes nothing but problems for the family. I wonder how those children feel? It just seems like when there's multiples involved someone always gets the rawer deal and the favoritism is
undeniable.

[Ann_O]

I agree with your horror of having to deal with sibling rivalry! I grew up with a sister and we were always fighting. I know I had a great deal of resentment toward her for being born when I was 4. From what I can remember, I loved being the only one! After that, I was always a little envious of the kids I knew who were onlies. All my friends with siblings also fought like cats and dogs - NO one got along!

Sharing - like I said, I had a sister, but it didn't make me share nicely. Made me MORE selfish, I think! I hoarded my stuff because she was such a sloppy kid. I couldn't STAND her touching my stuff! And we were forced to share a room which I HATED!

My son, an only, does not act that way at all. He's very generous and gets along well with his friends. He does seem perplexed when he sees siblings fighting over some toy. He tries to intervene and offer one of them another toy to play with! He has the concept of taking turns down WAY better than ANY of the siblinged kids!

[Brittany]

I am Seven Years younger than my Brother and the Mother of a Five Year old Only.
My Brother and I had a terrible relationship while growing up and haven't spoken in over seven years. My Husband is Four Years older than his Sister and with whom he has a great relationship. I am torn with having another child, because I wish I had a sibling to share with as I enter my 30's, as our parents age and Grandparents pass away. I feel gulity for leaving my daughter "alone", or wonder if she'll feel like this someday. Does anyone have any advise to share?

[Amy]

I am feeling much like the above poster. I am 38 years old, married, with one little boy 4 years old. My husband and I have put a lot of thought into whether to have another child and we simply just don't know. Life is pretty good right now. I am a teacher and my son goes to the school at which I teach. I don't know if I can handle another child with a career. I am not picking my career over another child, but I am the insurance winner, so I have to work. My fear is not for my son growing up without a sibling, it is for him when my husband and I are no longer here. He has cousins, aunts and uncles, but I still fear him being alone. I am leaning toward not having another because I fear birth defects due to my age, and the work it will involve because I do work full time. Uggghhhh!! I just wish it were an easier decision to make. I don't want to feel guilty ten years down the road when there is nothing I can do to change the situation at that time. By the way, my husband is an only child and he is leaning more toward having another, and I am a sibling to a sister and two brothers. We are all close, but my sister is my best friend. I don't want to cheat my son of this kind of relationship, but I also can't guarantee that he will even have a good relationship with a sibling. Thanks for listening. Any thoughts or advice is welcome.

[tess]

Hi all,im mum to a nearly 7 year old little girl ,i have after some thought decided that one is where i will stop,no matter how many peole tell me its wrong or selfish i let it go straight over my head there is no right or wrong with family size but everyone is different,we are choicing to only have one because thats what suits our lives better my daughter is strong,careing,very grown up and loved so why should i feel bad about her being an only child,i think that people who have had one healthy child and cant decide weather to have another should be gratfull for the one that there already have whos to say you have another and the children dont get on or you have this child only to regret it,i find it very upsetting that someone whos says that there were loved and never wanted for anything still feels sad in adulthood maybe this person has other issues in life that there need to deal with which i hope there do,amy do what suits you best my sister has 3 children but i dont feel any need to have more just because she does as for your job if you no deep down another child is or isnt what you want no matter what your choice is you will still be happy and so will your child/children dont feel guilty for only haveing one child when hes older you can explain just as i will to my daughter that you were happy with just the one and that your family was well balanced and another child was not needed,i myself am and will do my best to bring up a stable,strong,confident,and loved only child,peoples comments about being selfish or its not fair are of no concern to me i will never do something to please another,i will say my husband proberly would have another but hes happy with our little family the way it is two adults,one child and a dog lol,i dont think people should feel presured into haveing another because will this person be careing for it providing for it no thats all down to you and your husband forget what others say follow your heart i have and my choice is one that im excited about i cant wait to see my daughter grow into a lady and let me tell you the bond between a mother and her only child is one of great strengh shes all i need and nothing and noone will change that,amy do whats in your heart but dont feel guilty for only haveing one and wanting a life of your own be thankfull for the child you have and the love of your family xxx

[bee]

Have to disagree with the post above! I'm an only,had a loving fun upbringing great parents lovely friends and family but do you know what,that 'bond between a mother and her only child' becomes a burden.Oh yes I'm 'all my mom needs' and it sucks and I resent it.Trust me,its inevitable